It’s been a “nope” week. The kind where you just put your head down and barrel through the responsibilities and deadlines and doubts and tiredness and inwardly flip everybody off because “nope, I just can’t take one more thing right now.” I play that line back to myself until it becomes the tune of my life. Soon every little inconvenience or slight injustice becomes—in my mind—part of an elaborate, orchestrated attempt to ruin my day. What’s so frustrating is that I’ve had several “Ah-Hah!” moments throughout the week too, when I am all-too aware that my perspective is frighteningly narrow and my attitude, well, frankly atrocious. But these moments are so fleeting, and even though I know that I need to shape up I just don’t. Why? Why and how can I know something to be true (that I am being winey, selfish, bitter, etc. and that I have good reason not to be) and still refuse to let that truth manifest itself in my life? I actually think that word manifest is important here. It’s cliché to say that knowing something in your head doesn’t matter if you don’t live it out. Yeah, yeah, we all know that. But even though we talk about it a lot, it’s not something we usually remain aware of as we live life. And I think it’s the same with truth. We don’t hold on to it unless it is translated into ritual, physical practice in our life. In one of his many letters to readers, C.S. Lewis penned advice along the lines of “fake it till you make it.” On the face of it, that seems like bad advice, but what I think he is getting at is that living a good life requires practice. We have to exert a lot of effort to shape the kinds of rituals that will help us live well. Being thankful takes work. Thinking about other people takes work. Caring about someone else’s problems in a real way takes work. Humility takes work. Consistency, responsibility, endurance—it all requires dedicated effort moment by moment. We don’t ever become good. We are always about to be good or bad. The fact that we are on the continual cusp of a choice towards either holiness or sin is why the rituals in our lives are so essential. Rituals are anything that is a habit. Rituals can be physical. Does my strict 10:30 bedtime preclude other goods? Like exercise or quality time with people dear to me? Is that weekly Thursday morning Starbucks actually essential? Or does it drain a monthly $20 bucks that could be put to better use? Rituals are also in the mind. What is my thought life leading me to believe? This week I have let my thoughts run wild, pulling me into a negative ever-downward spiral. It only takes one “Of course, that lady would grab the last seat on the train. Rude.” to start chipping away at my reserve of patience. Other thoughts flood in. “Thanks for that mister—I just loveeee getting soaked with muddy ditch water because you don’t care about pedestrians.” “Oh, no, really, babe, it’s fine--don’t pick up the pile of clothes that’s been laying on the floor for a week. I’ll do it.” “I can’t afford anything nice.” “It’s so unfair that I have to do _____” (you name it). It’s so ridiculous when you write it down. Did I really think that? Am I that petty and naive? Yep, I am. Nope, it doesn’t have to last. It’s been a week of ritualized bad attitude, but I am writing thankful now for two things in particular. One, a husband who leaned over in church this morning and whispered, “Don’t hold yourself captive.” He knew. He knew that I was a prisoner to my own thoughts and that I would continue as such until I intentionally loosened my grip on my self-inflicted bad attitude. And I am thankful for writing, a ritual in its own, that allows you to actually look at the craziness of your thought life. It brings clarity—an “Ah-Hah” moment that lasts because it’s on the page—and you can look and laugh and repent and start fresh. As we head into the week of Thanksgiving, I pray for just that. A heart full of thanksgiving, that appreciates the good (like the amazing sunset tonight!) despite the bad.
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Authorwife to a med student and mama to three under three, seeking the joyful and learning to live by faith. Find me on Instagram and Pinterest or shoot me an email. I'd love to hear from you!
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