Panera is bustling with people who seem to know what they are doing. Everyone on social media has a plan, is following their dream, is starting grad school or graduating from nursing school or having children or loving their job or learning so much from this season. And I'm over here crying because I don't have a clue what I supposed to do with my life. Like actually I have mascara running down my face and a raging headache because I've been weepy since I woke up. Because I just have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I should be passionate about something. Culture tells me to follow my heart and chase my dreams and keep looking up. Heck, the majority of my friends say that too. But what happens when you don't know what your dream is? I don't want to go to grad school, right? Right! But do I? Or even if I did, how would that help anyway? Should I go to nursing school, despite it being impractical for our life right now? Am I supposed to be a mom right now? Should we actually start having kids? Can it really be that I cannot imagine what I'm supposed to do? Shouldn't there be something huge and important and special for me to do? Why on earth would God want me to just sit around working a desk job that I don’t care about? I know I don't love it, but the trouble is that I can't figure out the alternative love. I've never had that one thing that keeps driving me; never had a career goal; never had a MUST HAVE. I should be excommunicated from New York for uttering such shameful words. I have found that people assume I have big plans by the mere fact that I went to college and now work in the City. Oh my, nothing could be further from the truth. I have one particular friend who is the Anne to my Diana. We joke that we go undercover every time we step through the doors at our arguably slightly prestigious jobs. "Why did they hire us?" we ask ourselves over iced teas (yay for the South). "They have no idea--we aren't supposed to be here. They don't know that we don't have a clue." Because we really don't, or at least I don't. I have absolutely no idea why God called me to this place. Or why he seemingly changed my mind senior year of high school. Why I gave up the chance to go into nursing. I don't know why I have a liberal arts degree and a job in publishing. I wonder why I got married young. I wonder what the next stages are. I wonder what I care about sometimes. I wonder if other people ever feel like this. I would love nothing more right now than to have a clear path of pursuit towards a clearly defined goal. But despite that wish, I am in a murky place where my wants and needs and desires and goals are jumbled up.
3 Comments
Rachel M.
1/28/2016 02:20:40 pm
Our status as kindred spirits has not changed one bit. I can so relate! Thanks for being open about where you're at...it's helpful for the rest of us who feel similarly. Love you!
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Sarah
1/30/2016 11:50:29 pm
No, our status has not changed it would seem. Love you, friend. Thank you for the encouragement.
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Eloise K.
2/3/2016 04:30:33 pm
A very common feeling in many seasons of life! Elisabeth Elliot would say "wait on God and do the next thing."
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Authorwife to a med student and mama to three under three, seeking the joyful and learning to live by faith. Find me on Instagram and Pinterest or shoot me an email. I'd love to hear from you!
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